*The opinions expressed by those couples interviewed are solely for this article and not in promotion of Fiera*
Did you know that sexual intimacy is the #1 conflict in relationships next to money? When you think about that fact, it’s not hard to believe but it actually got me to thinking about those couples who have made things work despite that fact. Why are they able to make it work when so many aren’t?What are their thoughts around money and sexual intimacy? What advice would they give to new couples who may have issues around these topics? Because I have an awesome village of married couples around me I went straight to them to ask these burning questions.
To give you a bit of background about these couples, besides just being great friends(and family) of mine, they are all married or engaged to be married and have been together for a combined total of over 30 years. They are the couples I look to for advice when I go through my own dating dilemmas. They are both introspective ,light-hearted and super fun to be around. I knew that when I was writing this blog I’d have to pull from others who are way more knowledgeable in the topic of love and intimacy (because Lord knows I have more questions than answers.) and they popped into my mind immediately! Here’s what they had to say when I asked them what they’ve learned on the best way to navigate money, sex and their relationship. I love the depth of their answers and their willingness to be so transparent. It’s no wonder they’re all in really loving relationships!
“Sexual intimacy and money conflicts are the #1 causes of conflict in marriages.”I think many relationships end sooner than they should because either or both people involved have not yet developed the skills or mindsets to have productive conflict.Conflict is a part of life. It exists as a reality of any relationship. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values. But I’ve learned (from my fiancé) that if a relationship is to work, both partners must view their conflicts as a problem to be solved by them. It isn’t getting the best deal for me; it is finding the best solution for us. They each must actively participate and make the effort and commitment to work hard together to find solutions that are fair and acceptable to both.
This concept is easy to understand intellectually, but not as easy to apply and use consistently. It does however become easier once the skills and trust are developed. This happens as a result of small moments in which you and your partner are working together to find solutions that are considerate of each other. Furthermore, you can only love others as much as you love yourself. If you are not patient, loving and giving to yourself, it will be impossible for you to extend that graciousness and love to another. First, you need to be gentle and forgiving of your own missteps before you can extend the patience and consideration required to resolve conflict genuinely.Whether the conflict in your marriage stems from lack of intimacy or money related issues. Always ask yourself, what can I do to make us better?
We all hear that money is one of the top challenges in troubled or failing relationships, as is poor communication skills. Before we got engaged, we both knew that we needed to discuss how each of us managed money. It was important to be on the same page so that we didn’t risk arguments over finances. We also make it a point to communicate on just about everything so that both of our feelings are heard and considered by the other and we make it a point to resolve challenges and not let them linger. Good communication with openness and honesty is the key for all else to fall in place.
Money and sex go hand in hand in this society. It’s like if you don’t have money. You can’t be sexy. I for one married for love. We both married for love. We have been broke together and have a few bucks now. I found him sexy when we used to eat Taco Bell. So that will never change. I think as long as you both are working equally hard. Finances shouldn’t change anything.
Money is a much easier issue to deal with for us than sexual intimacy. No matter what we never let money control us or come between us. I always refer to 1 Timothy 6:10″For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs”.
We need money but we don’t love it. Sexual intimacy is probably the biggest issue in marriages. It leads to arguments, fights, bottling up anger, cheating and separation and divorce. Most of the time men want sex more than women. I know I do. Should the woman give it up whenever her husband wants? Should she do whatever her husband wants in bed? That is the million dollar question. Personally I think consistent sex is healthy. But sometimes u wanna miss it too.
Nakia:” I’m inclined to say off top “get as much as you can of both” hahaha
Daouda: “Communication and the truth. Learning to talk about the issues surrounding money and sex, then working towards understanding how to relate better on both so that you can work on solutions based on that understanding. Repeat.”
Ok…here it is. Sexual intimacy is something Trevor and I never had a problem with. We’ve dated since we were 17 and we’ve always been compatible. This issue is trying to walk right with God and fornication for 20 years before we were married. At times I would try to be abstinent but it was hard after we had so much time being sexual. When Trevor proposed, he clearly felt God led him to the decision and prepared his heart for marriage. So it was easier to become abstinent once we had a wedding date in sight and we were committed to being with each other for the rest of our lives. It wasn’t easy to discuss and to practice BUT we both knew we had to honor God. Now that we’re married, we know God’s blessings in our lives for being obedient during that time that we were preparing for marriage. Now that I’m pregnant, sex is a bit harder as I have a severe back injury as well. We always communicate our wants and needs and this is an area that’s easier for us to work through because we have the same sexual preferences.
Money…that’s a whole other issue. Even though we’ve been “dating” for 21 years, we’ve ALWAYS had separate lives, that included money. Once we moved in together, pre wedding, we tried a joint account. That was a disaster as I am a spender and Trev is a saver. One time, I bought $20 worth of Salted Caramel Pinkberry because their take home pints were on sale and Trevor lost it. This was such a significant issue for us that it made it into Trev’s wedding vows to me. Long story short, we decided separate accounts worked better for us and we had to decide who was going to be responsible for what. I had to understand Trev’s financial security was an important issue and he had to understand my spending habits. It has taken us many years (about 5) to finally come to a point where we can function because prior to that, it was destroying us. We had to communicate and communicate and communicate some more! We’ve had to pray and we’ve had to try every possible way. The key is to find a solution that works for both partners then pray about it. I’m not entirely happy with the solution and neither is Trev but it’s so much better than the alternative. At the end of the day, we have the same end goal and we’ve figured out how to get there together
While money may be muddy waters to wade down, sexual intimacy doesn’t have to be!
While Fiera is for use by women, it was created with couples in mind. Together you’ll enjoy stronger intimacy and a revitalized sex life. Fiera is scientifically proven to enhance physical arousal and increase interest in sex.
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Although sex and intimacy can be hard issues to tackle with communication and a willingness to work out your issues, anything is possible!